Double Bind
by SewerSurfin
Summary: A double bind: a situation of conflict from which there is no escape; unresolvable dilemma...when one brother's life is in the balance, just how far will you go, what decisions will you make, what lines will you cross, in order to give him a chance at life?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This takes place mostly in the 2k12-verse, with a few references/inspirations from other incarnations. This is a few years in the future. Casey is about 20, April about 19, and the Turtles about 18. I know I have other stories I have not updated in a long time...but this one has been building itself for months, and I just had to start writing it. Thanks goes out to Sleepingseeker for beta-ing this first chapter!  
**

**Chapter 1**

Donatello leapt purposefully across the rooftops with one destination in mind. April had called him about half an hour ago to come to her place. He had been about to head to the junkyard to search for usable salvage, but going to April's place sounded much better to him. Her voice had been an intriguing blend of excitement and urgency, a rare combination for his friend; it had his interest piqued. Wasn't she also supposed to be hanging out with Casey tonight? He usually only half paid attention when she told him of her plans with her boyfriend, but the mutant turtle was fairly certain she had previously told him of plans with Jones.

This revelation made the small, optimistic place in the back of Don's mind spark to life like a long dead generator. April had been with Casey for the last two years, but the forbidden hope the genius clung onto refused to leave. After so many years, he still loved her. Deeply. He had long ago ceased mentioning this to his brothers, as he had grown weary of them (especially Raph who was Casey's best friend) telling him he needed to move on. After all, they said, she was taken, and there was no use pining for what never was. So he hid it, tucked away in the deepest reaches of his mind for him and him alone. But he couldn't help but think: if she wasn't with Casey when she said had said she was going to be, and had called Don instead...could it mean…?

Donatello shook his head sharply to clear the thought upon silently landing on April's rooftop. The empty duffel bag slung over his shoulder thudded lightly against his side as his feet hit the cement surface. Thunder rumbled in the distance, the early night time sky coated in a thick layer of black clouds, warning of an impending storm.

The late March wind was beginning to pick up, still carrying in it the lingering chill of winter which refused to loosen its grasp. Donatello drew his tattered trenchcoat tighter around himself in an attempt to ward off the cold, but the thin material was not much of a shield.

He made his way over to the fire escape, pausing as the first rung of the ladder creaked in protest under his weight. He momentarily worried that someone may have heard the noise, but soon figured that over the howling of the wind, it was not very likely.

He continued down with more confidence, stopping only when he reached the landing outside of April's bedroom window. It wasn't that late, but he still rapped upon her window gently to announce his arrival. He could see the light on in her room behind the gauzy curtains and the shadow of her curvy form as she came toward the window. Every move she made entranced him. In his mind, even the skill and fluidity in which he and his brothers moved with their ninja training could never come close to matching one graceful motion of April's.

The curtains were pushed aside to reveal his friend. His heart fluttered lightly upon seeing her as it always did, and he found himself breaking out into a wide grin. She returned the smile, her freckles seeming to dance across her cheeks playfully at the motion. She opened the window enough for him to climb inside and then proceeded to close it behind him and draw the curtains.

"Hi Donnie!" April said, the happy expression never leaving her features. She enveloped Donatello into a deep hug, burying her face into the crook of his neck. He momentarily tensed, her flowery scent invading his nostrils and sending his head spinning.

"Thank you for coming so quickly," she continued, her breath warm upon his neck.

Donatello inadvertently trembled at the sensation, hastily taking a step back to attempt to calm the heat rapidly rising in his blood. The human released her hold and gave him a confused expression, but said nothing further.

"N-no problem, April!" Don stammered the first part of his sentence before composing himself as best he could. He was thankful that time and age had rid him of the cracking of his voice that the beginnings of puberty had years ago so cruelly cursed him with, but it was still embarrassing how April seemed to make his words jumble into a gelatinous heap at the most inopportune times. "So what's up? Didn't you have plans with Casey tonight?" He attempted as hard as he could to hide the resentment in his voice, but a hint of it still managed to work its way in.

If April noticed, she did not comment on it. "We did, but there is a Yankees game on tonight which he really wanted to see, so he's hanging out with Raph at his place watching it. I had no desire to watch it with them, so we postponed our plans. Besides…" the excitement returned to her voice as she headed over to her desk. "There is some news which I know you would appreciate so much more than Casey."

Despite himself, Donatello felt his heart begin to race in his chest. What news could possibly mean more to him than to Casey? Was she...did she…maybe leaving Casey? But then why was she so happy?

Instead, she lifted a piece of paper off the surface of her desk and went over to Donatello. Even from the distance across the room, he could tell it was an important document. It was on crisp, thick paper, and neatly typed. She handed him the paper, clasping her hands behind her back and gazing at him expectantly. Her brilliant blue eyes sparkled like twin stars. He could feel the enthusiasm radiating off of her as if she were wearing it as a second set of clothing.

His mind blanked as he read the letter's contents, his mouth going dry. One word in particular shown out more than the rest.

"H-harvard?" his voice hitched in shock before he cleared his throat. "You got accepted to Harvard? You never even told me you applied…"

April smiled slightly as she plucked the paper from his hand. She re-read it for the hundredth time that day, the grin growing as she did so. He watched her eyes as they scanned the words, disbelief hiding in their depths behind the pride.

"I didn't want to tell you until I heard something. Harvard is so hard to get into...I never thought I'd get accepted," April explained as she went to place the paper back on her desk.

"But Harvard is in Boston!" Don blurted. "That means you'll be leaving…"

He suddenly felt as if his whole world was tumbling down around him. His heart began to pound even harder, threatening to escape its confines in his chest. He took another step back.

April's eyebrows knitted in bewilderment. That was not the reaction from Donatello she had been expecting. He knew that she wanted to go to college...he had always been the first one there to help her study when she was in highschool so she got the best marks in her classes. So why this? If she had to guess, she would think that Don appeared almost panicked, and that made no sense to her. Don had always been a conundrum to her, but his behavior to her news almost defied explanation.

"Well, yes...I will be leaving, but it's not like it's the other side of the country, Donnie," she defended herself, her tone slightly offended. "It's only a few hours away...I will be home on weekends."

Donatello's mind shut off at the word leaving. He felt his brown eyes widen and his breath hitching in his throat. The rational part of his mind was screaming at him that he was over-reacting and that a situation such as this was not the end of the world. But the other part...the part he tried to hide behind a wall of equations and logistics kept playing the words over in his mind, each time more jarring and painful than the last. Something as simple as a normal rite of passage for adult humans, cut him to the core deeper than any knife. And yet, wasn't that the root of the problem? She wasn't a normal human. She was April...his April… He had already lost her once to Casey. Did he really have to lose her again?

Donatello stared at her for countless minutes, the silence between them slowly growing into an insurmountable chasm. The only sound in the room was his ragged breaths, counting away each painful second.

"How can you be so selfish?" Donatello finally spoke so quietly, so reluctantly, that April had to strain her ears to hear. Yet despite the weak tone of the words, they hit her stronger than if he had yelled them in her ears.

She immediately felt tears of anger pricking at the corners of her eyes while her hands balled into tight fists. Why was he acting like this? She was so very furious with him right now, but worse was the feeling of hurt that was growing in her by the moment, so suffocating it was squeezing the very air from her lungs.

"How can you leave m-" Donatello swallowed hard before correcting himself. "_Us_? Couldn't you just go to a college in New York City?"

"Selfish?" she echoed Don's comment in disbelief, but also spitefully. "_I'm_ being selfish?"

Her angry tone seemed to knock Donatello out of his daze. The realization of what he had said dawned on him like the mournful sunrise over a bloody battlefield. April's eyes glistened with unshed tears as a clap of thunder shook the room. The rain began in a deluge outside of April's window as if heaven had opened up its sorrow with the human. She turned away slowly, allowing the tears to begin to fall in tiny rivers down her cheeks.

"You should go, Don," she said softly.

"But, April, I -" Don tried to apologise, his words choking on his internal remorse.

"No, Donnie," she held a hand out behind her in a "stop" gesture, cutting him off. He could hear the tears in her voice. "Please, _just go_."

He said no more, opening the window and stepping outside into the torrential rain. He was instantly drenched, his trenchcoat clinging to his body. He stood on the fire escape for a moment, listening to April's muffled sobs coming from her room. He longed to go in and comfort her, but it was even worse that he was the cause of her upset. All he ever seemed to be able to do was mess things up when it came to April. When something seemed so simple in his mind, the act of getting the words out of his mouth proved to be the complete opposite. He usually ended up saying something wrong, or gracelessly babbling on and losing her interest.

He climbed back up to the roof as nimbly as he could over the slick rungs. His own tears fell, mixing pitifully with the rain. His chest burned with shame. He needed to get away. Somewhere, anywhere but here. And he couldn't go home. Not just yet. He knew April would eventually call Casey...and then he would hear it from Raph….

The wind blew in vengeful gusts, whipping his soaked trenchcoat painfully around his ankles as his duffel bag was flung from its place at his side and moved to his shell. Suddenly reminded of the pack, he figured the junkyard was as good a place as any. Maybe there he could get his mind off of her…

So he ran. He sprinted across rooftops, eventually ignoring the objecting aches from his muscles and the burning of his lungs. The reached the junkyard when the evening melted into the pitch night. The rain continued to fall, casting biting pellets of retribution onto his body. The night was deep around him, leaving nothing for his eyes but the outlines of the mountains of trash in the junkyard haloed by distant yellow lights. The ground was becoming a muddy mess as the water fell more rapidly than the ground could soak it up. Donatello's feet sploshed through the deepening puddles as he scanned the area for any possible people. Seeing no one, and satisfied he was alone, he headed to the closest mound and began to sift through its contents.

Metal clanked against metal as he was assaulted by random food wrappers and banana peels. He had no patience for this normally loved activity. It was doing nothing to distract him. He threw a tire across the area in frustration and flopped to the ground in defeat.

The rain continued to fall in multitudes, yet covered Donatello in a lonely blanket, shielding him from all but his own thoughts. He sat at the bottom of one of the mounds and leaned his shell against nameless junk. The genius shifted, digging his shell in deeper as if trying to disappear into the refuse. It would have been easier to disappear, to become an unfeeling, unknown piece of discarded waste, but when had anything ever been easy for Donatello and his family?

He draped his forearms over his bent knees, bowing his head. His eyes squeezed shut painfully as guilt tugged at his heart. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shut April out. Thinking of her was as natural as breathing to him, and over the years her presence had become one of the few calming constants in his life. And soon...she would be gone…

"Oh April...I'm so sorry…" his tired voice croaked out faintly, the words smothered by the curtain of rain.

Harvard? As a seeker of higher knowledge himself, he should have been happy for her. He should shared in this joy. In reality, despite the fear of losing her, he was so very proud of her; he wanted her to know how honored he felt that he was the first person she had shared the news with.

"But no," the purple masked turtle grumbled resentfully, "I clammed up."

He raised his arms and clasped them around the back of his head while shaking it woefully.

"Awkward Donnie had to mess it up again," his voice was tainted with the embarrassment he felt.

He flung his head back disgustedly, ignoring the sharp pain as the back of his scalp collided with something protruding from the mound he was against.

"So what did I do?" he asked to the sky, staring into the darkened expanse above him as the stinging droplets burned his eyes. "Did I congratulate her? Did I give her the praise she deserves?"

He knew he appeared foolish speaking to himself, but it seemed fitting. He was a clueless genius sitting alone in the torrential rain in the middle of a junk yard. He snorted at the mental image. Yes, definitely fitting that he talk to himself.

"_So what did I do_?" he repeated with more emphasis, the emotion running deep through every syllable. "I tell her that she's selfish? I'm the selfish one here."

The shame welled thickly in his throat, threatening to choke him. It seemed to have a life of its own now, speaking harshly in his ears.

"Why can't I just -"

His words were cut off by the ringing of his T-Phone. Instantly assuming it was April, he eagerly answered it without glancing at the incoming caller.

"April!" he said, relieved, "I'm so glad you called, I'm so so-"

His was interrupted again by the individual on the other end.

"Dude, Donnie, it's not April, it's Mikey." His younger brother breathed into the phone, his customarily exuberant voice instead bordering on frantic. "You need to hurry home, like _now_."

"I'd rather be alone right now, Mikey," Don sighed in response, totally oblivious to the trepidation in Mike's voice in his own moments of self-pity. "I'll be home later."

"No, D, now. Something's up with Leo…" Mikey tried to keep his voice as calm as he could, trying to get his message through to his genius brother.

Mikey needed to say no more. April momentarily forgotten, Donatello took off in the direction of the lair as fast as his legs would carry him.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is my first attempt to write Casey/Raph interactions, so bear with me. I hope I do these two justice. I am a huge fan of Casey/Raph friendship scenes and always love when they are in stories. And thank you to all who reviewed the first chapter! I really appreciate it, and I hope you all enjoy this one as well. The reviews really make my day :)**

**Disclaimer: I realize I forgot this last chapter, so this applies then and now. I don't own TMNT, they are the property of Nick. **

**Chapter 2**

Raphael was thankful for nights like this. They were few and far between, like the forbidden candy a child hides under the covers. Nights when Raphael wondered if this was what it felt like to be normal. Normal to him was living in smelly sewers, battling in secrecy for the safety of the world, and surviving on the outskirts of reality as an elusive, unsung hero. But the real normal, the "other" normal, the one he knew almost nothing about, must have felt something like this. Sometimes he would surrender to the dream and the actuality of his life would momentarily fade away; he could be a typical young man hanging with his friend and watching the ball game. It never lasted long before the facade shattered in his mind's eye like so many fragile pieces of china, the remnants reassembling into the jagged truth...but it was always nice while it lasted.

...Not like Raphael would ever openly admit to such a thing.

He stole a furtive glance at his friend on the other end of the couch. He appeared to be just as lost in thought as Raph was, his booted feet propped on the table. Right was crossed over left, bobbing back and forth to the tune of the commercial which was blaring on the television at the moment. Casey's hockey mask was resting on his forehead, his bag of bats and golf clubs filling the space between them on the couch.

"You know what, Raph?" Casey blurted randomly.

Caught off guard by Casey's sudden address, Raph instinctively snapped his gaze back to the television as if he had been watching it in rapt interest the whole time. When he sensed Casey eyes training themselves on him and indicating he expected Raph's full attention, it was only then that Raphael unglued his vivid green eyes from the screen, but only enough to turn his head slightly in his human friend's direction. The mutant turtle maintained an air of aloof disinterest. It was not meant to be viewed as an insult to Casey, and both of them knew it; it was just in Raphael's nature.

Raphael let out a short "hmm?" in acknowledgement before returning his gaze to the television, where the baseball game had resumed. He reached forward to grab his can of soda from the coffee table and absently took a sip, the condensation on the can trickling over his fingers and landing in little droplets on his thighs.

Casey cleared his throat and turned to stare at the wall. His hand absently slipped into his pocket and began to nervously play with the object within, running it across his fingers and balling it painfully into his fist. He vaguely noted that it had begun to rain outside, and that most likely the game would now be cancelled. His mind drifted to countless scattered thoughts, lost leaves in the blustery wind. Trying to formulate what he wanted to say was proving harder than he had planned. The words hung in the back of his throat, caged into an uncomfortable submission. Any key was lost behind a blanket of uncertainty. Voicing emotions was never easy for him, and he knew that was one of the many things him and Raph had in common...which was why he had decided to talk about _this _with his best friend first.

"I..I think I'm in love," the words finally tumbled forth, as if speaking this admission was forbidden to his manly code.

This caught Raphael's full attention. He half-heard the sportscaster announcing that the game

was now cancelled on account of the rain as a blast of lightning briefly illuminated the otherwise darkened room save for the shifting muted light of the television. In that momentary burst of light, Raph saw a rare, uncomfortable glimmer in Casey's chocolate eyes, almost as if he felt exposed, open like a beached sea creature.

The red banded turtled choked a little on the sip of soda which lingered in his throat, unsure of how to respond. His first instinct was to not react at all, suddenly feeling extremely awkward even though it was Casey who had spoken. An uneasy silence rolled in, streaming in like an insidious mist. Raphael weighed his options. There was obviously something important on the human's mind, and from the sound of it, it was April. And that particular subject was one that made Raph uncomfortable. Although Donnie had outwardly stopped obsessing over April years ago, Raphael was not as dense as his brothers often took him for. He cared too deeply for his family to _not _worry about them on certain levels. Even though he was usually the last to say it, the truth was when _they _hurt, _he _hurt. The hot head's moments of brooding silence often brought unseen observation - and it was the small, almost unperceivable actions that gave his genius younger brother away. A gaze that lingered just a moment too long, a swift flicker in his brown eyes...all clues to a deeply buried truth: Donnie was still in love with April. Raph was sure he had Leo and Mikey fooled: Leo took the words at face value with his impeccable trust in his brothers, and Mikey's optimistic denial could sometimes block out a truth. But Raphael _knew._ While some of his emotions were sometimes worn a little too boldly on his sleeves, he was no stranger to hog tieing others and jamming them deep beneath hardened layers of mental concrete.

But on the other hand...Casey was his best friend. He was one of the few people in the world who _got_ him...who really understood what Raph stood for...why he did the things that he did..what made him _tick._ As much as the mutant terrapin loved his brothers, he could never deny that they would never understand him as well as Casey did. As the years passed, Raph had found himself patrolling more with the vigilante than with his brothers. Only Casey could appreciate and accept Raph's particular method of doling out his own justice against the evils of the city. It wasn't always something Leonardo would approve of (or that he wanted Mikey to bear witness to). Also, Raphael had found that when his brothers weren't there, he could focus more on the task, and less on trying to protect them in the fray. He knew Casey could hold his own, just has Casey knew the same of Raph.

So how to respond? For two young men who could hold their own?

_With some mental concrete_ _and a well timed jackhammer._

Raph plastered a grin on his face and answered, "Well, I knew it was a matta of time before ya realized how hot I am."

Casey smirked, the disquieted expression fading to one of relief, as if noiselessly conveying a "thank you" to his friend. "Sorry ta burst your bubble, pal, but you're not my type. No boobs, either...that's a deal breaker right there. Now April...she…"

Raph cleared his throat rather noisily, indicating to Casey that as much as he _did _admire the female form, he had no desire hearing of those particular details about the woman he viewed as his sister. Casey could be clueless at times, but thankfully the human got the hint. He straightened himself up in his seat and pulled something small from his pocket.

"I've been thinkin'..." Casey began, maneuvering the object from his palm so that it was held between his thumb and pointer finger for Raph to behold. It was round and gleamed in the dull light of the television. Raph's emerald eyes widened. Was that what he thought it was? "...of askin' April if she would want the honor of being Mrs. Casey Jones."

Raph's eyes widened even more, his thoughts instantly shifting to his purple masked younger brother. He would not take well to this…

But after all Casey and April had been through...they both deserved to be happy…

Raph felt suddenly torn, ripped painfully into two warring halves which refused to listen to the obvious logic of the other.

"Uhhh…" Raphael started, his words catching on the back of his tongue, unwilling to come forth.

"I know it's a big step," Casey's continued as if Raphael hadn't uttered anything at all. The human swung himself to his feet and crossed the room to flick on the light switch. Raphael blinked uncomfortably at the burning his eyes felt from the sudden intrusion of light. Casey walked casually over to his friend and presented the object for Raph's full scrutiny. It was a beautiful, delicate diamond ring, something Raphael never figured Casey would have the tact or finesse to pick out himself. The turtle eyed it warily, as if suspicious its intent...as if it was going to usher in a disaster. He shivered involuntarily to a non-existent cold and got a sudden feeling of foreboding growing in his mind, tickling in the back of his brain like dozens of silky feathers barely touching his skin. He quickly squashed the sensation...knowing only Leo and Splinter took any stock in that premonition nonsense.

Raphael shifted his eyes back to his friend, refusing to look at the ring any longer.

"I think I'm ready though," Casey rambled on. "But I...I wanted ta see what you thought first...since ya always seem to knock sense inta me when I need it. I figure you'll know what I should do…or if it's tha right thing…"

Raph leaned back into the sofa. "Ya love'r right?"

"Ya…" Jones nodded, "I do…"

"Then...uh…" Raphael frowned slightly, almost hesitant to continue. But in his heart, he knew what he should say. _Sorry Donnie..._With more conviction in his tone he added, "Go for it, man."

Casey's face lit up, as if a child who had just gotten approval from a parent. This whole situation was not something the human was used to dealing with, and the whole thing - as excited as he was about it - was foreign territory for him, as if someone had asked a cactus to take up residence in the rainforest.

In an almost distant voice he said, "This ring...it was my ma's. It just feels right giving it to April, ya know?"

"Your ma?" Raph returned, not expecting that statement at all.

Casey nodded. "My ma left when I was little...about 7 I think," Casey spoke on, more to himself than to his friend, "just up and gone in the middle of tha night. Left 'er ring on her pillow for dad ta find. No note, no goodbye. Dad was never the same." His vision misted with an unfamiliar ring of tears. He abruptly turned away from Raphael in hopes he wouldn't notice.

Raphael was _well _familiar with the tales of Casey's neglectful drunkard of a father...but Casey had never mentioned his mother before, and he rarely opened up like this. The teen turtle didn't know whether to feel honored, or completely on edge.

"So...ya…" Casey trailed off, as if the spell of his vulnerability was broken and reality had set back in. The walls were closed.

"Well, I'm happy for ya, Case."

"Thanks, Raph. I -"

The rest of his sentence was cut off by the ringing of Raphael's T-Phone. The red banded turtle grabbed the phone from his belt to see Mikey's face on the screen indicating that it was him who was calling.

"Hold on, Case, it's Mikey. Prolly callin' me to ask me ta pick 'im up a pizza on my way home...lazy bum."

Pressing the answer button he said gruffly with mocked annoyance, "What is it, Mikey, this had betta be good."

Raph's playful expression quickly morphed into one of deep concern. Casey was almost taken aback by the intensity of it. Raph hung up the phone and let his hand go limply to his side.

"Raph?" Casey questioned. "What's up, man?"

"Leo…"

Raph lept to his feet like the recoil of a taut rubber band and left the apartment before Casey even had a chance to ask what was wrong. All that was left behind was the open window, the wind ruffling the curtains wildly and the angry rain flying in on its tails.

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this posted. I had the first half sitting on my computer for two months, not sure how to finish the rest of the chapter. I hope this came out ok and conveyed the emotion I meant it to while leaving Raph and Casey reasonably in character. Casey is hard to write when he's not being...well...Caseyish. So I hope I pulled it off without detouring into OOC territory. Thanks for reading! I hope to have the next chapter up a lot sooner. Other note...6 days till the movie comes out!**


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